Newspapers / The Lash (Moravian Falls, … / Nov. 1, 1913, edition 1 / Page 1
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if 5- - ; 1 1 ' ., ,iW, ,, VOL 4. NO. 9, MORAVIAN FALIyS, N. C, NOVElOBERi9t3i 20 4 V" 1 .1. . S:!:niiic Facing With Gas. Forming Ukepiost. everything else is now being tonducted in a scientific man ner. ' The fellow ' Who- doesn't entirely ignore all 1 the former customs .from planting Johnson grass down to dedicat ing a squash patch is considered a "back woods ass too ignorant to go in when it rains: It's certainly, wonderful to live in the age of, the printing' press and the i i , " i h campaign lie, thjs nickel-plated dude and farming with; official gas. si lift t , Jf. AS brought into service. The newspaper man can generally offer - more suggestions to thf farmer or about the construction of good roads and know les$ about it than any source f knowl edge save an east wind. : - !j'jTiletheavmge.iiewsWpet can yoOp and cavort, to the, public about farming, and he could demonstrate about as much practical judgement as a she nMmkey. Yet they can .tell the fanner ' in lowing lingo how and when to plant everything from pumpkin seed up to the paupers at the county home. ' The Agriculture Department loads up a tinun with" gang of bald-headed big- ot armed with pencils and paper, and as . , the train glides thru the fields af cotton i 1 'j 1f' , , " . . f - an corn they poke their heads out of ary trying to' offer their forty-legged night-mares for sale, should be loaded in to a hog train and imported to Cugulo. Some Singing, Doncherknov? FROM THE POOI.-KII.I.ER. There is a certain kind of unearthly screeching that they call "fashionable singing." ,Bver hear any of it? v If not, you've missed a treat. Just go into mo$t any city church on, I face a few times like a nigger woman "hatinor Aiit tv4s Atid then thv sail in . r It mustlbe amazin? to the biz fat-head- cMioV Mnmina w tiwVii ri, vnn J 1 1. w, -. ' , . - .eabberwckshow a poor devil husUed of it. ' wo hound 1 ; . His nasn Def ore tneir not air pumps were I Here's how i. 1 - .cneaepartmentr And: should tnat gom V ; high aaUned guys have to hike out to ' k :' - heaven a-faot or tell; a sun-flower from i Poor Richard's Almanac, it would put . . ' the Whole capoodle on the run. Bate and buzzard of Sodom! 1 . 'If there is anything more disgusting to 1.. , r the farmer than these Straddling jabber- 'Vw waeis, taen we'd like for you to write it. 233, or donate discoveries in" the cf f am:L J should be Weleoin- ' a jr'-i kisd,, but t tw "rratori you'll a-CQmin.' You'll see somebody go to the piano or p1 ipe organ and begin to claw over the keys like 9 puppy digging for a ground-mouse. Then you'll see a young lady march out onto the stage with her arms full of sheet music and her face set like the time-lock on a national bank. She stops and gazes over the audiance as solemnly as a convict in the electric chair. Then she unfolds her music and begins to pucker her mouth till it looks like the blossom end of ,.a swivelled cu cumber. 'Everybody holds their breath. Something awful is about to happen. Suddenly the young lady's mouth opens liKe the nose end of a tobacco sack and you hear a noise that sounds like pulling a yard of bologna sausage through a tin horn. Her eyes seem to bore through the ceiling like two left- handed gimlets and her throat works liKe a frog swallowing a June-bug.' , Her voice seems to have been made in joint and put together with brass rings and it rattles against her Adam's apple like dragging a log-chain over a bridge. The audience leans forward and drinks it in like a young cat-bird eating a worm. 1 course nobody understands a word o the song, and, ix they did, the song: would be a failure. It wouldnt be "fashionable singing. " The only thing required of you is to sit there like a chicken with the gapes and drink it in; Let it run in at both ears and ooze out through the pores of your soiil. The singer stops to get her breath and to wait for the audience to catch up. The organist hits the; instrument in the "' '! 1 ' " ' 1" ''i' iii Him ) hi 1 i VV t" S .'IK e CsxrsJP&t Ysait, Wokyb $u 1 V, - XXTm arm KaM 3 TTA1 TI7 t.. V Jl ' f 'U ,s , lates about fi fe.w6wiy(ve:rj:liv.,i4iii.iy.lilfWi t uvner root and- taucrtbm after a rabbit, and all the while the ex pression on the singer's face looks like a mixture of cramp colic, death agony, a toothache and a-sneeze. . Once in a ' while the jointed melody comes in such volumes that it almost jars the shingles: loose, , and then it fades away till it sounds like where the tail end of a cat fight tapers off to nothing. And when it is all over, you go home feeling like somebody had run a wood rasp over your sore tooth. But it is the Fashion, you know, and Fashion is a great old gal. . i i ' ' ' ToottToot! Stop the Federal court en. gine long enough .to scrape the Cathohc hides off of the cow-catcher. In this "home of the wealthy and land of the robbed' a millionaire has the lim it of my contempt: ' ' I had rather play a juice-harp while' lousy niggers dance, than build of widows' sighs and orphan's tears, a castle to the clouds, only to be dashed don by the devil's irony hand and swept into Eternity's shoreless sea. counts the sparrows that fall even notices the smallest things, and we love V 'a.v tobegoodChrfat 4 IrvSiit That Vwhy we mention CoL Henry B. V-ffef Varner. Wa malibetween the size of .V1 a half-grown hail storm and a lean man's . .v 7 fH? . nsi. rernaps tile, JBible writers never tionofthin This magnificent AAvtM " St 01 0 fMfr1md mi t A , .' good roads" arid such like! -7 He shovels hot air and we shovel lirt. ' ' $&k He imported his litte fathead np here 'I J'i, into our county recently without fractur- 1 ' , ; ' ?', ing his hat 1 . ' " - 4 , C f i :&r Jft ' Neither did he toil or spin, but h . : t 7;f " made the glory of Solomon look like ' 30 I cents. - ; He could furnish the gab sufficient to' , ijJl- Moua,"" .." ""t vf vmji uho a morougn- ; i , rare, or even construct A turnpike across the Alps, but he couldn't think how to pay The Lash a decent couijL Henry discovered while here that, The Lash was a forked-toothed canni bal dining on raw rascals, from Cape Cod to Kalamazoo, but hated like L to acknowl edge k in a report to; the sUte 'papers. We are an "imitation" of somethine BTJKDLB:; -BJLTES:" J' 1 :ate STNG StJBScRimoit Own Yiujt.k- jaoc jTwo Scbsbjptions pvs .Ybav.V 30c ..ElV SOBSCRIPWOKS 0ns fYBAR-,V-50C Tkw Subscriptions 0N8 Va, 4Uc.'i.oq LIFE TEBIB "d tXrw4, Pwaiexterl-I yourT subcci'p tioo ten- ve:..3 for a.Csb cf hot,.say the Colonel. Perhaps the acquafortis we, dose out to drones 6Udntm his lfvex pad. J" BuVUcvaaA in demand these days,circVhy yoi'r not industriosly humpmgyotirself behind a meek-eyed mule acroas a cotton rh. .However, I stand reproved. : 1 euDimi my neci with. all DOssible rtssXi' f 4 For Malialng mj $i;'Jdtyf I want to v 1 mm as me; prize picisni c vviu-IJ v& andlh-pef - Id -tia W;' wi pcrserve my a - r i-,., 1 ' .zis t a arect r. Tit r-1- iefc;praitai . ty-ji4 -
The Lash (Moravian Falls, N.C.)
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Nov. 1, 1913, edition 1
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